I like to be as honest as I can when it comes to writing these blogs. At least within reason. Don’t get me wrong, if I have a doctors appointment I’m not going to be posting about the details of it here. If you ask, I might let you know, but let’s not get too weird.
One paragraph in and I’ve already gone off on a tangent and talked bollocks. I should go back and edit it, but no, I’m too lazy. Before I do continue, here’s the usual video to accompany the blog, feel free to watch that:
This week started with me really not feeling all that great. And by that, I mean mentally. For some reason I had a lot of self doubt about this blog, as well as a few other issues, which bled into my daily life, and I just had an overwhelming feeling of not really caring about anything.
If you want me to pull back the curtain a little bit on my depression, then I can tell you that I’ve always struggled with caring. Whether that meant myself, others, objects or anything else. There was just very little in my life that I gave the slightest damn about. Basically, it was Rachel, and for the vast majority of my depressive years, that was about it. If someone had told me that my family had all died in a plane crash, and I was having a bad day, I would not have cared in the slightest.
For whatever reason, this lack of caring crept back into my life at the beginning of this week. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t as bad as it was when I was depressed, but I still felt it trying to pull me down. It even managed to affect my relationship with Isabelle. Not in the way I had been when I had the postnatal depression, but I did have moments where I just didn’t like her quite as much as I usually do. I felt the resentment creep back. I felt myself just have that numbness rear its head, trying to take over.
Not Letting The Slump Grow
Two or three years ago, a few off days like I had this week could have easily morphed into something much worse, and lasted a heck of a lot longer. These days, I’m far better at managing my moods and putting things in place to help prevent the slip get too far.
In terms of the self doubt, I know it’s always going to be there. I read a book, which I can’t recommend enough, that talks about something called Resistance. And it’s something that we all face when we’re on a creative endeavour like this. Does it occasionally get to me when hardly anyone reads something I put a lot of effort into? I’ll be honest and say that it does. But I quickly tell myself that the self doubt is resistance telling me to quit. And it’s my job to keep going, whether I want to or not. I don’t ask much, but if you’re someone who has always wanted to pursue something, and for whatever reason you’ve convinced yourself not to, then please read this book.
Don’t want to buy the book? Would you prefer to see a picture of me eating stir fry whilst two dachshunds watch and Isabelle tries to mount my leg? Well, you’re very much in luck!
Using Self Care to Help
Ironically, all of this came up during self care week. A week where I had planned on doing as much as I could to try and help everyone else, and all the while I felt pretty terrible myself. But, funnily enough, it was self care that got me through it. I’ve had years and years of building up my list of things I do to help my mental state. But it’s not just about knowing what works, it’s about knowing what doesn’t.
For me, I’ve tried to cut the negative things out of my life. The Xbox, where I would spend hour after pointless hour wasting my time, has gone. I very rarely watch TV as I know it isn’t really that good for us, and I try to reduce my sugar intake as much as I can.
I really don’t want to drag this out into some preachy long post about how you should be doing stuff to better yourself. But you really should be doing stuff to better yourself. I don’t actually care either way, it doesn’t effect me. This is down to you. We owe it to ourselves to keep pursuing our best possible version of ourselves. That’s what I do as often as I can. I don’t want to be the same person in a years time as I am now; I constantly want to learn and be something better. But I’m still finding my way. And I guess this week was just another bump in the long, never ending road that lies ahead.
Thank you for reading this. It does mean something to me when people read what I write, so I appreciate you getting all the way to the end of this blog, whoever you are.