I’m nervous. It’s 5:30am and I’m sat downstairs after tossing and turning most of the night unable to properly sleep. Standard at the moment really. My wife is 38 weeks pregnant and I know what’s coming. Calmness surrounds me. But it’s a trap. It’s the eye of the storm. And eventually this calmness will be engulfed by the chaos that comes with welcoming a second child into the family. Parenthood is coming again, and I’ll be honest, I’m shitting myself.
38 Weeks Pregnant: On the Precipice of Parenthood Again
First off, I almost want to apologise for using the word precipice. Let’s be honest, it sounds like I’m trying to be a proper posh wanker. THE PRECIPICE OF PARENTHOOD. It sounds like the title of a really shit film. But that’s exactly where I feel I am right now. I’m sat on the edge.
I almost feel like I’m back in that tiny little plane in Salisbury. We’re ascending into the clouds as I have another man mounted on me from behind – Don’t worry! It wasn’t some sort of weird sex plane! – I was doing a skydive. And right now, I kind of feel like I’m back there. Minus the mounting, of course.
I feel like I’m at the back of the plane, watching everyone else, one by one, jump into the clouds and disappear. My turn is coming, and there’s no going back. It doesn’t matter if I hold a slight amount of regret over my decision, how nervous I am, whether I’m scared or excited. I’m jumping out of that plane and that’s the end of it!
And, just like a skydive, the first part of having a baby is chaotic and terrifying. You don’t have a bastard clue what’s going on as all you try to do is catch your breath.
BUT…
After the initial gut wrenching terror, comes the moment where you realise the beauty that life has to offer. Floating in the air as you see the entire world stretched out beneath you is an amazing, unforgettable, worth-the-terror type experience. But right now, we’re playing the waiting game.
The worst part about the latter stage of pregnancy is just the waiting around
It’s a weird feeling waiting to have a baby. We’re currently around 38 weeks pregnant, so I feel caught between two mindsets of “please just hurry up and arrive” and “NO, NOT YET! OH GOD I NEED MORE TIME!”
And one day it’s just going to happen. We’ll just be chilling out on the sofa and all of a sudden…
Ok, I don’t think it’ll quite happen like that. But we don’t know when our last meal as a family of three will be. The last time the three of us will go up to bed and have an easy nights sleep. For all I know, as I’m writing this, by the end of the day I could be holding a newborn baby.
Rachel could even be 3cm dilated right now and I’m none the wiser. Maybe I should go check. I’m sure she’ll let me see for myself if she’s dilated, RIGHT!? Nope. She told me to fuck off. Anyway…
Let’s talk about the obvious. The potential return of postnatal depression.
Yes, I’m slightly worried about the return of postnatal depression
When we had Isabelle I felt like I couldn’t be more ready to become a father. I wanted it more than anything else in the world, I had read loads of parenting books, and I was in a good place – for once – with my mental health. Then shit hit the fan and I was slapped in the face with postnatal depression.
I knew it would be difficult. The books even said. But what I didn’t expect was for the bonding to be difficult. To hold regret towards my own child. To be jealous, resentful and to have the feeling that I just wanted to get out. Those feelings really fucked me up.
If I was like that with one child that I was fully ready for, how the hell am I going to manage with a second child that I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for. The more I think about having a second baby, the more I just feel like…
Don’t panic. That’s a joke. I’m not running anywhere. But on the one side of my brain is the part of me that thinks I’m going to struggle. I’ll slip back into a deep depression and I won’t be able to get myself out.
On the other side, is the part of me that has pulled through every bad moment up to this point, so if struggle comes I’ll just get through it once again. And let’s be honest, that’s exactly what’s going to happen.
I learned so much from having PND the first time around that I don’t think I’ll get it this time
Honestly, I think I’ll get depressed when we have our second baby. I get depressed randomly now, so adding some stress will only make it more likely. Welcome to living with a mental health issue. It doesn’t go away, it just lags behind a little bit waiting for you to falter slightly so it can pounce on your back like a crouching tiger. BOOM! There it is.
But the first time around I had ZERO coping mechanisms. I wasn’t on antidepressants and all I had to get me through it was my wife. Luckily for me, Rachel is an absolute wonder and the most amazing, beautiful, sensual, caring person that I’ve ever had in my life and everything in the world is meaningless without her presence.
This time around, however, I have so much more. I’m already on antidepressants, I won’t feel the same sense of crushing isolation due to the fact I have a community on Instagram. I can also use Instagram to give myself a creative release that I didn’t have before. Being able to distract my mind and do utterly weird shit helps me reduce my stress levels an awful lot!
Ultimately though, I understand that a bond might not happen right away and I’ll have to work on it. And that’s ok. I have Isabelle after all. The shining light of what this is all about.
Yes, parenthood can be a nightmare at times. Especially during those early days. I’ll hold my hand up and say I don’t like the baby stage and can’t comprehend why anyone does. But having a child who talks, wants to do weird shit and fills your day with exhaustion happiness is utterly amazing.
So yes, I might struggle. Yes, I might get depressed. But at the end of the day, all of this will be worth it. So if the little bugger could hurry up and arrive, that would be swell!
