The Naughty Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

I’ll be honest, I usually hate a blogger’s gift guide. The majority of the time the only reason a blogger does a gift guide is so they can be sent free shit. Either that or they use them to fill it full of affiliate links to encourage you to click through so they can earn some measly commission. That part is actually true for this post. Please buy something. I need to buy my daughter clothes. So I thought I’d do things a little bit differently and do a Valentine’s Day Gift Guide that’s rather naughty and full of stuff that relates to sex! Because that’s what Valentine’s Day is really all about.

If this post gets approved by my wife without any edits I will be gobsmacked! She actually said “I didn’t think it was that bad.” So that just goes to show what she’s like.

The Naughty Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

Just a quick note before we continue. The following post contains affiliate links. If you want to buy any of the weird shit shown in this post then I will earn a very small percentage from your kinkiness. It’s like you’ll be pleasuring yourself and me at the same time. So thank you in advanced.

Another title for this post could be “Shit I’ve Found on Amazon That You Can Buy and Get me Commission” but I felt that would be a little less catchy. I will also say before I continue that JESUS! There is some well weird stuff that you can buy on Amazon. Let’s see what I found.

Nothing Says “I Love you” Like a restraint Kit or a spreader bar

Does anything quite say “I love you” like restraining your partner’s legs and arms together? I honestly think my wife would love something like this. Not for any sexual reasons obviously. But to tie me up and leave me in the corner for a few hours so she can have some peace. If you want this sexy piece of kit then just click here. She might also want the next item to go along with it.

On a Budget? How about a Lovely Ball Gag for Under £5!

If you’re into your restraints, then there’s a strong chance you might want to couple the above kit with a lovely ball gag! If you’re also on a bit of a budget then you can even get one under £5!

Again, this won’t serve any sexual purpose – I mean I really don’t understand why this is used for sex? – but you can ram it in your husbands mouth and shut him up for a little bit. How’s that for a happy Valentine’s Day!

Nothing Says “Valentine’s Day” Like Putting Something Up Your Butt!

If you’re not putting something up your butt on Valentine’s Day then are you even doing it right? Sorry to my relatives for that last sentence. And if you’ve never done it before then now is the perfect time to give it a go! As you would imagine, there are way too many butt related items to choose from on Amazon, so here’s a varied selection. Take your pick!

Just remember, before getting involved in any butt related activities, make sure you’re both on the same page before anything gets wrongly inserted. Don’t forget to freshen up with a nice enema and then prep the area with a nice dollop of anal lube. Oh, and if you’re serious about your enemas and your overall anus cleanliness, then how about a shower attachment!

How hilarious is that! You can literally shell out £30 for something that will attach to the shower so you can better clean the inside of your rectum. Meanwhile my wife is very accurately thinking “What the fuck has this blog become?

Have a little more Cash to spare? How about a delightful little Sex stool!

Want to show your partner that you really care by splashing a little more cash? Well, I present to you the LoveBotz Bangin Bench Extreme Sex Stool! I’m not totally sure how this things work – do you just bounce on it? – but part of the fun is seeing if you end up in A&E.

The only downside with this item is that it doesn’t come with the dildo! Don’t panic, I’ve got the one for you. I mean if I’m going to fork out £100 for something like this I don’t want to have to go and buy some attachments to put with it.

Do you Kind of love your partner but would prefer it if they looked like a smooth red duck?

This one is for the slightly quirky ones out there. But if you really like the idea of covering your partners face in what’s basically a red plastic bag, then boy do I have the item for you!

What the fuck is this? I mean seriously?

This is apparently a rebreather mask. Which I’m guessing means you’ll get to watch that bizarre beak looking thing inflate and deflate as your partner breathes heavily whilst questioning how their life has got to this moment. I mean seriously, what is this shit?

If you love covering your Partners face then here’s some more options for Valentine’s Day!

I’ll be honest. I’ve seen a side to Amazon whilst doing “research” for this post that I never thought existed. I mean I know we all have our little kinks, but I never thought there was a fetish for gimp masks that also resemble a dog! I mean you can still go down the normal gimp route and just get something that covers the face – minus the mouth, obviously – because isn’t love all about covering your partners face in latex?

Keep it Classy with a lovely book!

Ok, so maybe you don’t want to buy any weird sex related items, and that’s fine. Perhaps for Valentine’s Day you want to keep things a little classier and go with a nice book! What can go wrong with that! Perhaps you can spice up your sex life with the much needed Position of the Day. A book all about giving you a new sex position to try every single day of the year!

Perhaps you have a partner who’s fond of drawing the odd dick? Then may I suggest the Big Book of Dicks. Or maybe you just want to keep things fun and colour in a bunch of dicks together. The choice is yours!

Are You Single this Valentine’s Day? Then Perhaps something for the solo lovers out there!

Just because you’re single on Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean you should miss out on the love. If you’re a man, then perhaps you want to shell out £700 on this terrified individual.

If you’re comfortable doing what you gotta do with that open eyed stare looking back at you then I think you might have a few issues.

And for the women out there, why not spend a less than £15 and get your very own Bob the Builder!

And if that doesn’t do it for you then here’s a bunch of your more typical solo sex toys. Oh, and a sex machine for those on a budget.

Well I think that’s just about it for this Valentine’s Day Gift Guide!

Right then. I’m off to clear my browsing history because right now Amazon think I’m a PROPER WEIRDO who’s into some messed up shit. But then let’s be honest, you’re probably tempted to buy at least one item I’ve mentioned above. So you’re weird too.

Hopefully this post hasn’t pissed too many people off – aI know how delicate people can be when it comes to nudity and sex talk. Maybe you can all see the funny side in this and perhaps realise that it’s just a sex joke. Sex is perfectly fine to talk about anyway. We all do it, so let’s grow up shall we. This is a parenting blog after all. How do you think I actually became a father? It wasn’t by playing Scrabble on a Tuesday evening I can tell you that.

Oh, and I’d like to give a little shout-out to Fran of Whinge Whine Wine“Hi Fran” – for inspiring me to write this post. She basically asked me if there was anything I could think of that might be worth buying for Valentine’s Day – true story – and I came up with all of this! Feel free to thank me by sharing this on your personal Facebook to tell your family what you’re buying!

Pin this on Pinterest!

We all know people love a gift guide. And I'll be honest, I usually hate them. But this one is a little bit different. It's full of weird, naughty and mildly inappropriate things you might want to buy for Valentine's Day. Enjoy!



I’m a 27 year old married father of one – soon to be two! I started blogging after suffering with postnatal depression when Isabelle was born. These days I just talk about my life as a dad.

Find me on: Web | Twitter | Instagram | Facebook

Leave a Reply

Your e-mail address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Don’t Miss a Post – Sign up Via Email!

Close Me
Looking for Something?
Post Categories: