I absolutely LOVE having a toddler. They’re mischievous, evil little shits that are as defiant as they are deadly. They’re usually delicately poised on the edge of an emotional meltdown and they have an innate desire to suck away every inch of your soul. It’s a lovely experience. Owning a toddler is one of the greatest gifts that life can give you. So I’m going to be as
sarcastic honest as humanly possible and talk about 5 things I absolutely LOVE about having a toddler!
5 Things I Absolutely LOVE About Having a Toddler
1. The Complete Lack of Personal Boundaries
Despite having seen Dirty Dancing, our toddler has no concept of the notion of “this is my dance space, this is your dance space.” Instead, she deems it perfectly acceptable to go out of her way to do acts of pure love like cough directly into my face.
There’s nothing I love more than having my immune system tested by the hazardous germ-fest that a toddler can sometimes be.
It used to be a very simply case where my body was my body. Not anymore. Not even my nose is off limits. Prior to becoming a parent the only finger to ever routinely enter my nose was my own. Not that I pick it. Ever. Honestly. *distant sounds of my wife violently laughing.* But it used to be mine. Now it’s a shared nose.
I dare say my wife has a greater issue with personal boundaries as she routinely has her boobs pulled out without her consent. At least when I used to do it back in the day I used to politely ask first.
2. Having my face sat upon with a shit filled nappy before 6am
I love the fact that we co-sleep. Not because we get to cuddle our daughter to sleep every night or we’re woken every morning with her delightful little smile. No. We mainly love it because it makes life easier and neither of us have to get out of bed in the middle of the night. Like most parents, I’m a big fan of sleep. Even if at times it feels like more of a concept than a plausible thing. So anything that makes sleep more likely is something I’m very much for.
One thing I REALLY ABSOLUTELY LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING about co-sleeping though, is having my face sat upon with a shit filled nappy before it’s even 6am. There’s nothing better than having a squished face and taking a long deep breath of pungent, marinated ass. Utterly delightful.
It’s actually unbelievably helpful when you think about. I don’t have to check my daughter’s nappy to see if she’s shat herself overnight. Instead she very forcefully lets me know. When all that separates your nose from shit is a thin baby grow and some absorbent material, it’s fairly easy to detect the smell. All I then have to do is place my daughter on my wife, smack her face gently to wake her up, hope she thought the baby did it and pretend to be asleep.
3. The overwhelming number of tears
I absolutely love the tears of a toddler.
I love to collect them, mix them with a bit of olive oil and use them as a dressing on my pasta. Fortunately, having a toddler gives me plenty of chances to collect tears. It’s not like a tantrum is hard to come by. But do you want to know the best part? I don’t even have to do anything bad to get them.
I can just give her calpol when she’s ill, attempt to change a shitty nappy or just refuse to give her the knife I’m using to try and cut the oranges she so desperately wants. All of these things can lead to collectable tears.
Never mind, toddlers are temperamental creatures. One minute the world is seemingly ending and the next minute there’s a camera out and you have to look the shit for Instagram. Got the girl well trained already!
4. Having my kitchen redecorated with whatever we have for dinner
I’m never quite sold on the look of my kitchen. Sometimes I feel it needs a splash of colour here and there. Maybe a few pieces of pasta on the curtain. Perhaps even a mustard stain on the rug. It all helps to add much needed character to the room.
Fortunately, we have a toddler on hand to help us out. If there’s one thing a toddler is, it’s an expert in abstract art. After all, I’ve always wanted a Pollock painting in the kitchen.
There is noting I love more than cooking a meal only to later peal it off the wall. I have a toddler to thank for that wonderful experience.
5. Being Physically Assaulted for no Apparent Reason
Prior to becoming a parent I naturally assumed that babies and toddlers loved a good cuddle.
But I was wrong. It’s actually more about getting bitch slapped and occasionally hit over the head with plastic cutlery and utensils. This might sound like a bad thing. But I love having the durability of my head tested by a perverse, mildly sadistic toddler.
Of course, I do the obvious thing and tell her no, but this just makes the game that much more fun!
Well that’s it! That’s 5 things I absolutely LOVE about having a toddler. I’m sure there are many, many more things I could add to this list. But I like the number 5. So I’m sticking with it. If you have anything you love about your toddler, feel free to let me know in the comment section below.
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