Isablog #27 – Feelings of Baby Regret & Getting Sick From the Baby

If you read this blog regularly, which if you do then a big thank you, I can’t believe you keep coming back, then you’ll know that last week Isabelle wasn’t very well. Unfortunately, that little bit of sickness managed to transfer all the way into me. Yay!

And the best part about all of it? It all started during the Superbowl! I know I did a post last week where I talked about not being as bothered by the NFL as I used to be, and I’d be fine with missing some of it if Isabelle needed me, but I didn’t think I’d be missing it to be sat by the toilet seat clearing out my stomach.

Thoughts of Baby Regret

The only saving grace for this week was the fact that I wasn’t that bad on the day Rachel was in work. Being with a 9 month old all day whilst throwing up would’ve been hell, but Jesus was looking out for me on Tuesday. Well, I’m not sure if it was Jesus, but why not, let’s just say it was him.

But I wasn’t right. Maybe I was bearable physically, but mentally I was far from it. Usually, when I’m having an off day I tend to talk about it in some way via this blog, either on here directly or the social media sites. But Tuesday I was radio silent. I didn’t care enough to actually talk about any of it. I was probably the worst I’ve been in quite a while, and I don’t massively know why.

Maybe it didn’t help that Isabelle was still off, and I think she pretty much just wanted to breastfeed all day. Good luck with that when you’re with me, Isabelle. And of course with me still feeling ill, it probably just added to the bad feelings. But on this day I really regretted the fact that we even had Isabelle. I know that sounds like an incredibly bad thing to say, but it’s the truth. I sat there, on quite a few occasions, telling Isabelle point blank that I wish we hadn’t had her, that my life was ruined because she was born and if I could go back in time and change everything I would. Yes, I’m a total dick.

Luckily for myself, I’ve been surrounded by depression since I was in my latter teens, so I’m pretty aware when thoughts are my own, or when they are built off of the depression. These thoughts came heavily from the depression. Knowing this helped me a lot. I knew that what I was feeling and thinking would eventually pass. Would they be with me for the entire day? Most likely. But a new day can bring a new mindset, and that’s all I was hoping for. This is a complex thing to talk about, and it’s something that I may do as a new post on a different date, but the main point here is very simple. Those thoughts aren’t always there.

The very next day the thoughts were gone, but can I say they won’t ever come back? Of course not. But when they do, I just tell Rachel what I’m feeling and keep being the best dad I can be at the time. Sometimes, that means I’m a great dad, other times it means I’m just about getting by, and that’s ok. Even when I don’t like Isabelle and wish she wasn’t born, I still do everything that I can for her, so that’s got to count for something.

I will say, before I move on, that I do love Isabelle and we have a tremendous bond, but sometimes these feelings come up, and I like to be open and honest and talk about them.

The Rest of the Week

After Tuesday, I went down hill again in terms of being ill. I was due in work on Wednesday and was all ready to go in, but let’s just say my body had other ideas. I won’t go into the gruesome details, so I’ll use the exact same GIF that I used for Isabelle last week:

giphy (8)

Sorry about that. I understand that you don’t read this blog to discover how my body has been functioning, but screw it, if it’s ok to talk about Isabelle’s bowel movements then it should be fine to talk about mine.

Moving on.

For the rest of the week I went sick with work. Before this week I always assumed that when people went sick for the week with D&V they were probably lying. There was no chance that a bug would ever last that long. After this week, well, you can call me Jerry Orbach again as when I’m wrong I say I’m wrong.

But in a weird way, I kind of enjoyed the fact that I was ill. It was actually nice to be home with Isabelle and Rachel all day, every day. I also let the blog take a backseat and barely touched my phone or the laptop until Friday, and that was only because it was #NationalPizzaDay and I really wanted to get a picture of Isabelle trying her first slice of pizza.

NationalPizzaDay 2018 with a baby eating pizza

Did she like it? Well let’s just say I only gave her the slice so I could get some pictures and by the time I was done there was almost half a slice gone. Either I’m really slow at taking the photos, or Isabelle really likes pizza. I think it’s the latter. Oh, and I did dress Isabelle on that day and I think she looked cute as hell. Here’s the outfit in it’s full glory:

Here's what happens when the dad dresses the baby

I know she looks silly, you don’t have to tell me. But I also know that she’s a baby. She doesn’t care what people think, she has no insecurities about how she looks, she just wears what’s on her and that’s it. I want her to dress silly on occasions just to teach her that it doesn’t matter what she wears. I hope she learns as she grows older that it’s about dressing for what she wants to wear and not to impress others. I have a long time before I have to worry about that, though.

Well, I guess that’s it for this week. I have another full day with Isabelle on Sunday, which by the time you read this has probably already passed. Hopefully that day will go much better than the previous one, but I’m pretty sure it will be.

On a side note, we’re off to Lynton in Exmoor next week. So get ready for another travel blog! Or maybe I’ll just talk about it at the end of the week. Either way, you don’t have to worry about it. Until next time!

6 thoughts on “Isablog #27 – Feelings of Baby Regret & Getting Sick From the Baby

  1. Sorry to hear you’ve had a tough week. I confess I have been very fortunate and never really had depression so I won’t pretend that I can truly relate to your experiences but glad your thoughts got more positive as the week went on. Hope you all make a total physical recovery soon too.

  2. Hi, keep reading your blogs because they are sometimes funny, always insightful.
    I have passed the link on to my son, who is in his 30s and suffers with depression, which had been great until recently when they had their first child, a little girl 7 months old, since her birth he gas started suffering again, always anxious and worried.
    I am hoping your on going journey may help him and make him realise he’s not on his own suffering like this and although not nice is quite common.
    Thank you for being open and honest, carry on what your doing your an inspiration.

    1. Thank you! And I hope your son can find some solace in what I’ve written on this blog. And if not, then hopefully he can find his own way of dealing with things. I’m learning all the time what works for me and what doesn’t. I always try to keep going and find new things to stay one step ahead. I’m not always successful, but I like to think I always try. Thank you for reading and taking something from all of this 😀

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