I had no idea what cord prolapse was before my wife gave birth. Neither of us did. Even when it was happening we had no clue that the fact the cord was coming down first was a thing to even worry about. But all of a sudden I was hitting the emergency buzzer and off we were rushed to theatre. I know every knobhead with a parenting blog probably has a birth story, so here’s a little bit about cord prolapse and our slightly traumatic birth.
Cord Prolapse: Having a slightly Traumatic Birth
For the men out there that are bracing themselves for the day your partner goes into labour, then know this: It will be the worst thing you will ever watch your partner go through. Unless you’ve had the unfortunate luck to watch her get tortured as that’s essentially what this looks like at times.
It’s utterly ridiculous how painful giving birth actually looks. I obviously can’t say whether it was actually painful for my wife or not, but I’m going to guess it doesn’t exactly feel like you’re getting a paper cut.
The worst part is there’s nothing you can really do about it. And for a lot of the time, you won’t feel like you’re wanted or even needed in the delivery room. You’re just this spare prick standing around doing piss all but trying to not say something that causes your partner to literally kill you mid push.
“Mate, that’s lovely and all, but I came here to see what the fuck Cord Prolapse was. Can you get to that please so I can leave your blog with a little bit of insight? Cheers”Disgruntled reader
Calm your tits, I’m getting to it. This is my blog and if I want to talk bollocks then that’s what I’ll do.
Right then, do you want to know what Cord prolapse is?
Honestly, I ain’t got a clue mate. You arrived at the wrong post didn’t you? Nah, I’ll sum it up for you since you’re here.
Cord prolapse is basically where the baby gets a little bit nervous about slipping out the vag and grabs the cord and goes “fuck it, you go first!”
It’s actually rather dangerous and is considered a medical emergency. As you can imagine, by the cord coming down first it’s basically applying pressure to the baby’s blood and oxygen supply, this pressure can lead to the death of the baby if it isn’t treated quickly enough. You can read a little more from actual professionals here.
The Experience of a Traumatic Birth
Within seconds of the midwife realising what was happening I was pushing the emergency button and we were being rushed down to theatre. I had no idea what was going on, I merely trailed behind as I’m a little bit socially awkward and didn’t really want to get in the way. Instead, I got rammed into an elevator – despite the fact I always prefer to take the stairs – and the next thing I know we’re surrounded by doctors, midwives, and god knows who else.
As you might expect, a million things rushed through my head – most of which was negative – and I really, REALLY just wanted to get out and be anywhere else. I don’t deal with high stress situations very well – yet I’m a bastard first aider in work, good luck co-workers! – and in that moment, I wanted to be swallowed up by the world.
But I had no choice. In the arguably “sexist” words of Elder Cunningham from the hit musical Book of Mormon, I had to MAN UP. My wife needed me more than I needed to be engulfed by the world. I stood there holding her hand – like a proper good husband, fair play – and tried desperately to hold back tears. The staff kept telling me that things were ok, clearly seeing my concern, but they just really needed to get the baby out and didn’t really have time for my shit.
The Final Act: Actually Giving Birth
Due to the urgency of the situation, there was little thought given to efficient pain relief. Yes, they injected my wife with a local anaesthetic ready for the episiotomy, but those things need time to take effect. They may as well just rubbed peanut butter over my wife’s gooch such was the effect the anaesthetic had.
I simply watched, or rather listened, as they cut my wife and tried to get her to push. At some point during all of this kerfuffle someone just about managed to
finger “very tastefully and delicately insert a finger into“ my wife’s vagina well enough to push the cord back up. At least I’m guessing that’s what they did. And eventually they resorted to the ventouse – not going to lie, I looked that up as I was going to use the term “suction cup thing” – and they finally managed to get the baby to come out.
The Rapid change from utter chaos to “Holy shit there’s a baby, what the fuck is that?”
After that moment, my wife’s face changed in a matter of seconds from agony to extreme relief. It was as if she had just taken the biggest shit of her life. Which is pretty much exactly what giving birth is like.
Just like that, there was no more pain, no more screams, at least not from her, all of it was replaced with happiness. Perhaps some soreness, I imagine things were still a little tender down south. But in the end, what we were left with was this little puffy bundle of shear joy. Zero sarcasm there.
“So why did I read all of this post for?”
Truth be told, I just want to rank on Google for cord prolapse. So I wrote about cord prolapse. Hopefully I’ve said the phrase enough times for them to put me in the top ten and I can get some blog traffic. It better be. Otherwise I re-edited all of this for Diddy bread, mate.
Men suffer from birth Trauma too! It probably contributed to me suffering from postnatal depression
I know there’s a 95% chance you don’t actually care about our little birth story. But screw you. Part of the reason I had postnatal depression – there’s a little link for you – was probably down to how traumatised I was from the birth. Yes, men get traumatised from birth too! It’s fucking hard to watch.
I genuinely believe that had we not had a traumatic birth like this then I might not have ended up with postnatal depression. I even wrote about how the birth might have triggered an awful lot of shit for me – I basically hated myself – and that sent me on a downwards spiral with my bond with Isabelle.
Oh, if you got this far, do us a solid and share this bollocks on your Facebook, Twitter, Google+ if you’re a total weirdo or maybe even Pinterest. I’ll make it easy for you. Just pin the image below. Sorted!