Knobheads, dicks, arseholes. However you want to describe them, toddlers can be right pains in the arse when they want to be. So much so, that I fancied writing a small list giving you 5 reasons why toddlers can be absolute KNOBHEADS. Obviously there are more reasons than this – this list is likely endless – but let’s try and keep a post under 1200 words shall we, Ross!
Five Reasons Why Toddlers Can Be Absolute Knobheads
1. If You let them do something once, Then they have to do it every single God damn time
Feed the dogs, put the washing on, cook breakfast, let the dogs out for a wee – please don’t get me started on letting the dogs out for a bastard wee – fluff the cushions and every other boring detail of my life. That’s just a VERY small list of some of the things I used to be able to do without getting screamed at by an emotionally unstable sociopathic tyrant.
The worst part is, even after it’s all done, to a toddler it’s not. We load the washing machine, take five minutes to put in the powdery shit and the liquid shit – no idea what they are, I just do what my wife tells me – and then we put the washing machine on number 7. Again, no real idea what I’m doing, I just know it’s number 7. Once it’s done, I’m happy that it’s another thing I can tick off my list and I’m ready to move on with my life.
Meanwhile our amnesia-suffering knobhead toddler wants to start the whole process again from the bastard beginning. When I repeatedly tell her how much of a stupid idea that would be, she simply breaks down as if I just murdered Winne the Pooh, ripped his fluff out and force fed it to Eeyore.
Eventually, after what feels like months of crying crammed into five minutes, she settles enough to give me the nod of “Ok, I’m done now.”
The worst part is, it’s all my fault. I showed her how to use the bloody washing machine! And now she HAS to do it whenever shit needs to be washed.
2. They have a very Fickle relationship with food
Toddlers have a bizarre relationship with food. Sometimes they love it, other times they want to decorate the curtains with it. Or they just confuse it with a little bit of Magnolia Dulux from B&Q and opt to smear it up the fucking wall. One minute they’re hungry and act like they’re about to starve, and one bite later they’re like “Nah mate, I wanna play LEGO.”
Only very recently we’ve just gone “balls to it” and decided to scrap the much fought over high chair. Instead we’re going full feral mode and raising a grazing bunny rabbit. We have two upstairs. She may as well live with them. She already refuses to let anyone else feed the bunnies, she might as well sleep in there too.
3. The fact they’ve gotten to the point where they can express what they want, but don’t understand they can’t have it
Life has a wonderful way of being annoyingly ironic. Just around the time where a toddler learns to express themselves more, is roughly around the time they fail to grasp that they can’t have everything that they want.
The worst part is, they think that the reason they’re not getting what they want is because they’re not communicating it effectively enough. So they try – time after bloody time – to say the word balloon, but alas, it remains on the table at soft play with the people who own it. I have tried saying “Yes Isabelle, you want the balloon, but it’s not yours so back down and get on the slide.” But it doesn’t work. Instead I get tantrum snow angles. Lots and lots of snow angles.
I’ve read the parenting books. I know in this situation the child is using their right side of their brain and thinking emotionally. What you’re supposed to do is connect on an emotional level first by using empathy before you move on to reasoning. Does it work? DOES IT BOLLOCKS. Maybe when she’s a little bit older it will, but at this point she just remains a knobhead.
4. Their sadistic desire to watch you suffer
This might just be exclusive to our toddler. But I dare say there are others out there who are quite sadistic in their desire to watch you suffer. If our daughter manages to pick up something that seems relatively hard, pointed or heavy then chances are she’s going to look for my head. If it’s perched at a nice height – because I don’t know, maybe I’m sitting on the floor trying to play with the bloody girl – then chances are you’ll see this look.
What will follow next is her attempt to give me some sort of mild concussion. A severe one if she’s on good form. I can even state unequivocally that Ava Max actually watches my Instagram stories. I know this as she wrote the song Sweet But Psycho as a tribute to Isabelle. True story. Honestly.
5. Separation Anxiety Turns even the most delightful toddler into a massive Bellend
I talked recently about the fact Isabelle quite clearly prefers her mother to her father. Well since writing that post she’s gone into full blown separation anxiety mode and has morphed herself into a right little tosspot.
Here’s a lazy bit of writing for you. I’m literally going to copy and paste some of the shit I wrote in my separation anxiety post. How’s that for fresh content?
If there’s a glass of Diet Coke on the side of the kitchen, she will point it out and cry “Mam.” If she sees a photo of Rachel, or even one of boobs – not that I look at photos of boobs whilst Rachel is in work. I just follow the odd breastfeeding account on Instagram. Then again, she’ll cry “Mam.” And she’ll even go as far as going upstairs to pull open a drawer in which she knows there are photos of her mother in. She will then point at said photo and basically say to me “Piss off to work dad and bring mam home!”Ross – from a different post because he’s a lazy little shit
Basically, Toddlers are Knobheads – but then aren’t we all?
Right then. That’s enough bollocks from me. So here’s the usual shit that I put on every post where I try and encourage you to pin this on Pinterest – it’s mainly so I can pin this shit on Pinterest! – then a lovely image of my daughter with a cock on her head. Clearly my best work. And then a paragraph of me trying to get you to follow me on my social media accounts so I can get massive and get paid the big bucks! Thank you as always!