It’s that time of year again where parents all over the country start bringing out some rapey looking Elf to wander around the house and cause some sort of mischief. I’m not sure when Elf on the Shelf started, but I understand why it’s become such a big thing. Having someone to help encourage good behaviour out of children is always going to be successful. But, at this stage in my parenting journey, Elf on the Shelf isn’t something I want to do. I think maybe I’m missing the point, but I’m just going to try and add a little bit of balance to this and give you 5 reasons why we don’t want to do Elf on the Shelf.

5 Reasons Why We’re Not Doing Elf on the Shelf

Oh, I just thought I’d say that I like to play devil’s advocate and try to question the things that we do. I’m never here to judge, just to question, discuss and think about what we do. If at any point during this you think to yourself “fuck up Ross, you bellend” then that’s totally fine and I agree with you.

1. The Elf Looks like a Creepy Little Molester

First up, even if you like the idea behind Elf on the Shelf, you have to admit that he’s a creepy little shit. Just look at the pervert.

Elf on the shelf - 5 reasons we're not doing it

He’s not cute. He looks like a future molester. The type of guy that gets spotted in the female changing room. Heck, I’d even guess that he’s on a list… and that’s not the naughty or nice list, that’s the sex offenders list. The fact that he REALLY wants to come into your home and spy on your children should be ringing alarm bells.

Now if you do want to do the whole ‘Elf on the Shelf’ idea, at least go with an Elf that doesn’t look like he wants to murder the family and fuck their corpses using blood as lube as the dog watches. Or maybe go with a penguin. Yeah, penguins are cool.

2. He’s a Massive Hypocritical Knob head

So let me get this straight. This whole Elf on the Shelf thing is designed for the Elf to help parents out by snitching on your children to Santa?

Meanwhile he likes to unroll the toilet paper, take a bite out of some chocolate – we all know you did it – or generally just be a bit of a knob head? Wouldn’t Santa send him a message and go “look mate, stop being a wanker.”

He’s hardly leading by example is he? He should be coming into your house and helping to unload the dishwasher, not inappropriately engaging with cuddly toys. If we ever opted to do this I wouldn’t have a mischievous elf, I’d have a helpful one that gives Isabelle a hand doing the dusting. If I’m going to allow a pervert into the house I at least want him to do his fair share of housework.

Personally, I think that this teaches children that you should be good and well behaved unless you’re in a position of power. When you have control and authority you can do whatever the hell you want. Get on the inside with “Santa” – which is just a metaphor for an authority figure – and you can smash the place up as long as you rat out someone else in the meantime.

This also brings up the slightly creepy idea that someone is always watching you.

3. It’s Big Brother Surveillance Which is Just Fucked up

The reason I don’t do certain things like murder and steal isn’t for fear of getting caught. It’s because I believe that they are morally wrong. But Elf on the Shelf doesn’t teach the morality of rules, it simply teaches children that you shouldn’t do things if someone is either watching you or might catch you.

Oh, it also teaches them that there’s a creepy old man who’s watching every little thing that you do. Even shower. Ewwwwww.

God that’s an awful GIF. Moving on…

What happens once the Elf has pissed off back to the North Pole? Then what? Where’s your threat of being watched now? You can hardly tell your child that they won’t get any presents in March. Would they really care about it then?

No, I like the idea of my daughter understanding and fully absorbing rules and why we have them. Even if she is a toddler. If I can’t effectively explain to her why we do and don’t do things, then maybe I have to question why that rule exists.

Having an Elf come into the house for a month that helps your children be well behaved might not be such a bad idea. It’s certainly better than just having a spy looking to rat them out. But there’s a part of me that still doesn’t like the idea that kids should be good to please Santa.

4. Being Good to Please Santa

I know Santa can be an effective way of getting kids to do stuff and be well behaved. It’s basically the children’s version of God. Soz to any Christians but we all know it’s true. So I totally understand why someone would use it. But there’s a part of me that really doesn’t like it and refuses to use the phrase “Santa won’t bring you any presents.“

I don’t like the idea of Isabelle being well behaved purely to please some fictitious old man who will reward her based on her efforts. I don’t really want her doing things based on the rewards that she might get in return. Which brings me onto the complex issue of rewards and punishments.

5. I don’t like the idea of Rewards and Punishments

I’ll be honest, I likely won’t be able to fully explain my thoughts on rewards and punishments here as this one probably deserves a post on its own. But to be it’s vastly more complicated than “reward good behaviour, punish bad behaviour.”

What I don’t do in my life is reward or punish adults. If I come home from work and see that my wife has cleaned the house I don’t pat her on the back, call her a “good girl” and buy her a present. Equally, if she has done fuck all and sat around the house all day, I’m not going to send her to her room or refuse to let her watch EastEnders later on that night.

I understand that a child is different from an adult, but I want to treat my daughter as close to an adult as I realistically can. What Elf on the Shelf teaches – and Santa in general – is that Christmas is dependent entirely on their actions. That what they get, and perhaps to them how much they are loved, is dependant on whether they behave or not.

It incentivises good behaviour on a materialistic basis, rather than based on moral or ethical values.

I don’t want my daughter to do good things for the reward. That’s not why I do good things. I want her to want to do those good things because she actually likes doing them and understands why she should. Same with the bad things. I don’t want her to not steal or punch someone out of fear of punishment. I want her to understand that they are thing that we just don’t do.

So rewards and punishments do technically reinforce good behaviour in a way, but it can do it from the wrong place. And when those rewards or punishments are absent then perhaps the behaviour will be too.

I’m probably missing the point and Elf on the Shelf is actually just a bit of fun

Look, I’m not here to judge. Do I look at parents who do Elf on the Shelf and go “oh, you shouldn’t be doing that” in my most patronising, wankery voice? No chance.

I think most people genuinely enjoy doing it. Actually, scratch that. Judging from what I see online parents don’t actually like it and moan about it constantly. So I’m guessing they’re just doing it for the kids? If not then I’m confused as fuck.

I honestly don’t know. I’m not in a position where I could realistically do this anyway. Maybe in a few years time I’ll want to do it *quick edit: Isabelle is now 2 and a half and I still ain’t doing this shit*

I don’t think I’d use an Elf, or at leat I’ll find one that doesn’t look like a pervert, and I won’t make him a mischievous little arsehole.

There’s a strong chance I’m really missing the point on this one. I’m always happy to change my thoughts and maybe in a few years I’ll look back on this post and think “Shut up, Ross, you utter twat.” We’ll see.